Junk Deere

It's hard for a person like me to admit he's an idiot, but today when the idiot's get together, they will call me "Boss". I fell victim to media hype and bought a John (Junk) Deere mower/tractor/green and yellow turd.
2008, I was just retired with a career ending wound, building a log home, and had plenty of free time on my hands and just retired pension money burning a hole in my pocket. Since I had so much free time I told my Pop I would help care-take our family cemetery. To do so meant I needed a mower, so off to S.G. Wimmer and Sons I went. I picked out one of the new fangled all wheel steering X300 models, so new the man who sold it to me had to look it up to order it. June 21st it arrived and I brought it home, full of wonder and expectations.

About one week into my wonder, I noticed the rear tires were dry rotted. The man who sold it to me is a neighbor and fishing buddy of my fathers, so I showed the brand new used once mower to him, and he agreed, yes in deed, the tires were dry rotted. Promised to make good on the tires, until I went to get the new tires, then it was an issue with the tire people, not S.G. Wimmer. Being they were so new, I had to order two off the internet from Wisconsin or some damn place far off, because nobody in the state had any in stock.

To add to my glee, the mower wouldnt start one morning. It had a total of 7 hours on it, so I couldnt imagine what was wrong, so back to S.G.'s I go with it. About a week later they call, said there is a switch that went bad, been replaced, come get it. That switch would go out six more times in two years, along with a dry rotted drive belt, a blade spindle and to top it all off, if you use the choke to start the green and yellow turd, the choke sticks, burning about 3X the gas at 1/2 the power.

Today I'm mowing my lawn with the Junk Deere, when it displayed another famous trait of the mower. It spins on a spot of chicken snot. If one rear tire hits anything wet, slick or the slightest incline, you can bet it's going to sit and spin. The other tire will be on solid dry dirt, but only the one on the wet spot will pull, guaranteed. So today I'm sitting and spinning, back up a smidge then try again, still spin, back up a little more, still spin. Then it got the notion to just slide down hill into my electric fence while I'm steady trying to pull forward. If you've ever touched an electric fence, you know you let go ASAP, but imagine hitting it right at kidney level, unable to jump off without tearing down the entire section of fence. So there I sat, getting a jolt of juice every couple of seconds until I could set the parking brake and climb over the hood to get off. Today was an all new episode in bladder and bowel control.


I've promised my Facebook followers that I'm one bad episode with this piece of crap away from rolling it into the hole I use to burn trash, cranking off a couple dozen .45 APC rounds into it just to get the petroleum products nice and flowing, then tossing a road flare on top of it and posting the video to You Tube. Today moved me one step closer to going viral.
If you must have a green and yellow turd in your home, this one is the only one I can begin to recommend.

  I would still feel safe in giving odds the thing wont start when you need it, or will put you into an electric fence first chance it gets.
Just K today